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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25902691">After A Storm</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Higgles123/pseuds/Higgles123'>Higgles123</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Peaky Blinders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Hurt, Miscarriage, baby loss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:34:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,935</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25902691</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Higgles123/pseuds/Higgles123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ava and Alfie are pregnant with their fifth child, but sadly fate has other ideas.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alfie Solomons &amp; Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>After A Storm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello lovelies. I know this is a tough topic to deal with and I wrote this today because the first baby I miscarried would have been seven today. For anyone who has suffered or is still suffering, it's ok to hurt and to be angry. I'm always here for anyone who wants to talk and there are also some wonderful charities out there who will help and listen.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="I_52qC D_FY W_6D6F">
  <p></p>
  <div class="msg-body P_wpofO mq_AS">
    <p></p>
    <div class="jb_0 X_6MGW N_6Fd5">
      <p></p>
      <div>
        <p></p>
        <div>
          <p></p>
          <div>
            <p></p>
            <div class="yiv6262223776yahoo-style-wrap">
              <p></p>
              <div>
                <p></p>
                <div>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“I’m terribly sorry, Mrs Solomons but you’re losing the baby.” </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“You’re sure?” Alfie spoke.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“I’m afraid so,” the doctor looked at them both sadly.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">Ava squeezed her eyes shut in pain as her stomach continued to contract in agony, almost like the pain her monthlies brought but a little more intense. </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“What do we need to do now, doctor?” Alfie asked, his voice thick with emotion. </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Nothing,” the man answered, clipping his briefcase shut. “The foetus should have passed within a few days and the best thing to do is just to flush it down the lavatory.” </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Excuse me?” Ava opened her eyes angrily. “You want me to flush my baby down the toilet?” </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“At only eight weeks of gestation you can be assured it doesn’t really resemble anything close to a baby yet,” the doctor explained rather indelicately. </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Have you ever been pregnant, Dr Mathers?” Ava asked quietly, her bottom lip trembling when the doctor frowned at her strangely. “No, of course you haven’t. So therefore you wouldn’t know what it feels like the second you find out that you have a life growing inside of you. Let me explain it to you, shall I? From the very moment you know, it is your baby, something you love with all of your heart even though you’ve never even seen them before. You imagine what they will look like, what job they will do when they grow up, how many children of their own they’ll have one day. You place a hand to your stomach, smiling to yourself as you wait for it to start rounding over the coming months; as you wait for that first kick. You talk to them and tell them how much you already love them and always will, so how dare you stand there and tell me to flush my baby down the toilet like it means nothing, because it means everything to me.” </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Mrs Solomons, I didn’t mean to cause you any-“</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“-I think I’d like you to leave now,” she gritted her teeth. “Please.” </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“I’ll see you out,” Alfie murmured, looking at the doctor apologetically. </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“No need,” the doctor shook his head. “I can find my own way.” </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">With one last lingering look at the husband and wife, the doctor left the bedroom closing the door quietly behind himself. The second the door clicked shut, Ava finally allowed herself to burst into tears and Alfie was beside her in an instant. She welcomed the comfort of his arms around her as she clutched at his shirt desperately, her entire being hurting in a way she didn’t know it even could. The raw guttural cry that left her brought tears to Alfie’s eyes and he didn’t fight them. They fell upon her raven hair as he rested his chin atop her head and grieved with her. It didn’t matter that they already had four other children; it didn’t matter that this one hadn’t been planned. All that mattered was the fact it was theirs and it was loved and wanted. </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“I’m sorry, Alf,” Ava looked up at him finally, her green eyes shimmering with still unshed moisture.  “I’m sorry I’ve let you down.” </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Now you stop that,” Alfie brushed away her tears with the back of his hand. “You ain’t let me down or anyone else for that matter.”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Yeah but I was supposed to look after our baby and keep them safe, and I didn’t,” she sniffed. “You told me so many times to slow down and rest and stop cleaning and running round after everyone so much, and I didn’t listen. I thought I knew better and that I could just do what I did with all the others and it would be fine.” </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Love, I said all those things to you because you were getting so tired just like you always do in the first few months,” Alfie sighed, wishing she wasn’t misconstruing his words in her grief. “I didn’t say them cos I thought it would cause the baby any harm, did I? This is our fifth time, love, and by now I think it’s safe to say we know how it goes, yeah?” </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Then why did this happen?” Ava whispered. “And don’t you dare tell me it’s just one of those things because I can’t hear that.”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“You know as well as I do there ain’t no reason,” Alfie said. “And no matter how much you want me to give you one I can’t.”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“I don’t just want you to give me one Alfie, I <em>need</em> you to. I need you to tell me what went wrong so that I don’t spend the rest of my life thinking about all the things I could have done differently.” </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Sounds to me like you just want a reason to spend the rest of your life blaming yourself.”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">Alfie was right. This was just one of the many reasons she adored him; the way he understood her more than she even understood herself sometimes. She needed to hate herself and be angry at herself because as silly as it sounded, she couldn’t deal with the injustice of it all. How dare her baby be taken from her for no goddamn reason at all? There were horrid people out in the world, people who neglected and hurt their children on purpose. Why was it they got to keep their babies while she lost hers? She knew she was an appalling human for wishing this on someone else, but she didn’t care. All she cared about in that moment was knowing that within the coming days her body would rid her of the child she so desperately wanted. </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“How are we going to tell the children?” she asked suddenly and her voice cracked. </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“The truth,” Alfie said sadly, taking Ava’s hand and brushing his thumb across her knuckles. “We’ll tell them that the baby has gone to heaven and that’s all they need to know.”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“That might work on Soraya and Jacob, but the other two will have questions; Raisa especially,” Ava shook her head. </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Well we can decide what to tell Raisa if and when the time comes but it’s the last thing you should be thinkin’ about right now.”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“I either think about that or the fact that every bit of blood I can feel coming out of me is just another second closer to our baby being gone,” Ava sobbed, breaking down into tears once more. </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">Alfie wished he knew the right words to say but he didn’t. The truth was that he knew he would never understand the way Ava was feeling because as much as his heart was broken into pieces like hers, he wasn’t the one going through the physical feelings of losing their child. All he could do was hold her and hope that was enough. </span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">..............................................................................................................................................</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p3">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s2">
                      <br/>
                    </span>
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">Sometime in the middle of the night Ava lost the baby. She didn’t wake Alfie; she couldn’t. She took one look at him asleep beside her and she knew she didn’t have it in her to tell him. It would be no different if he knew now or in the morning, and in truth she needed time to process what had happened by herself as selfish as it may have sounded. She cleaned herself up and snuck quietly downstairs, peeking into the children’s bedrooms as she passed by. Cyril scampered out of the girls’ shared bedroom and nudged her affectionately.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Come on then beautiful boy,” she cooed softly, treading softly down the stairs with Cyril following closely behind.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">The conservatory was her favourite place in the house; a room Alfie had had built for her after they were married. Sitting down in her rocking chair, the seat in which she had fed all of the children many a time while enjoying the view of the garden through the glass windows. Her heart lurched as she thought about the baby she would never get the chance to feed there and tears fell from her eyes. So lost in her own world of pain, she didn’t hear little feet come quietly down the stairs.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Mummy?”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">She wiped at her face hurriedly before turning to look at her eldest daughter with a forced smile.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“What are you doing out of bed, sweetheart?”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“I couldn’t sleep,” Raisa murmured, walking hesitantly towards her mother. Her eyes were shrewd just like Alfie’s and Ava could see the little cogs in her brain whirring around. “Daddy told us that the baby in your tummy has gone to heaven… Is that why you’re sad?”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“I’m alright,” Ava lied, swallowing back more tears.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“It’s ok to be sad, Mummy,” Raisa blinked. “I’m sad, too.”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Come here, darling,” Ava held out her arms, grunting slightly as Raisa climbed onto her lap. She wound her arms tightly around her daughter, breathing in the smell of her strawberry shampoo and marvelling at the fact Alfie had obviously managed to bathe them that evening without the girls screaming blue murder.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“If our baby’s in heaven now does that mean she’ll be with Daddy’s mum now?” Raisa asked, shifting sidewards on Ava’s lap so that she could play with a strand of her mother’s long hair.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Mmhmm,” Ava nodded, unable to trust herself to speak without crying.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Well that’s nice then,” Raisa spoke softly. “Maybe that’s why our baby had to go to heaven, so that <em>bubbe</em> wouldn’t be on her own anymore.”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“Maybe,” Ava’s voice cracked, and she leaned forward to kiss Raisa’s soft cheek. “I love you my baby girl.”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“I’m not a baby anymore, Mum,” Raisa huffed, but with a lot less of her usual indignation.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“You’ll always be my baby,” Ava smiled for real this time.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“I love you, Mummy,” Raisa yawned, resting her head against Ava’s shoulder.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">She continued to play with her mother’s hair, just as she had when she was a tiny thing, and soon enough she was fast asleep. Ava closed her eyes, listening to Raisa’s steady breathing and wondering how she had grown up so quickly.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“She might be a right little brat sometimes but she’s got a heart of gold really,” Alfie appeared in the doorway. “I remember when you was in labour with her; I kept thinkin’ I was gonna lose my mind at any moment watchin’ you in all that pain. Never got better watchin’ you have all the others either. But nothing’s worse than seein’ how much you’re hurtin’ right now and I can’t do a fuckin’ thing to make it better.”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">“That’s not true,” she reached her hand out for him. “You’re here and that makes it better.”</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">The loss of their fifth child did many things for Alfie and Ava. Their grief united them and made them stronger together. It cemented their love for each other and their family, and they knew that if they could get through this then they could get through anything. One day, the two would feel that familiar pang of excitement when they fell pregnant again; only for the first time, they would find themselves clutching at hope and trying to let go of the fear that threatened to taint their joy as well.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">The months would pass with an agonising slowness but when they eventually welcomed their newborn child, another girl, into the world all of that fear would disappear. They would never stop hurting and grieving for the one they lost, but somehow the appearance of new life eased their heartache somewhat.</span>
                  </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p2"> </p>
                  <p class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074p1">
                    <span class="yiv6262223776ydpdfb55074s1">The truth is that after a storm comes a rainbow. And for the Solomons, their rainbow was named Aliza. That’s exactly what she was; their joy.</span>
                  </p>
                </div>
              </div>
            </div>
          </div>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
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    <p> </p>
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  <div class="D_F W_6D6F r_BN gl_C">
    <p> </p>
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